A constant thought swirling around in my mind? The culture of our family- specifically regarding school, social commitments, and extracurriculars. I’m not sure what drives this. Is it the internet? A little crystal ball in our hand that allows us to see how other families operate. Is it communication driven by podcasts? I have a million little theories as to why we ponder on this, or at least I do with my friends. Two of my favorite books, Hold On to Your Kids and Habits of the Household, dabble in these topics, fueling my constant curiosity.

For background, my friends and I always play checks and balances regarding family culture. We voice memo about how many summer camps are too many. Can we skip that event to get more rest? Is our child reading enough? Last week, I thought, “Why not ask the people who have run the race, and it is still fresh in their minds?“ I went to Instagram, and I asked moms of children who are through high school, if you could do it over, what would you have done differently about family culture with school? Would you have prioritized sleep? Skipped the club sports? Worried less about the academic perfection and instead focused on a lifelong love of learning? What would you do differently?

Like all internet communication, I assumed responses would be all over the map. In 12 years of blogging, I’ve never had full agreement…in anything! I lost count, but in about 1200+ responses, the answers were obvious in theme. Not one mom contradicted the main takeaways.  I was stunned. To see such consistent validation in thoughts I already had was wild. I kept texting my girlfriends that if the generation before us is shouting this, there has to be a change. We’ve got to take notes.

We ALL feel this unsustainable rhythm, and it doesn’t have to be this way.

 I took the weekend to tally up the responses and dig deeper into the DMs and e-mails. I wanted to share the top 10 takeaways these mothers gave with some snippets of their wisdom sprinkled in.

Have you heard of the tree analogy? Some things in life are leaves; they are seasonal. Some things in life are branches; they are sturdy, but can break. The essential things in life are the roots. Each component makes the tree beautiful, but we must remember what keeps it in the ground. My takeaway from this feedback is that parents feel much of what we spend our time on is seasonal, and we have to get back to spending more time in the roots. That may look different for some families, what may be leaves for you could be branches for others (I saw this with some mothers praising sticking to one sport, while others said to dabble in a bit of everything). But ultimately, this feedback gave me the confidence to assess what the leaves and branches are like for our family while we keep faith and family as the roots.

As a note, I’d like to say while I agree with most (if not all) of this, these are not my responses.  This is all coming from mothers of adult children and their experiences. There is a natural balance to everything in life, and what works for one child in the family doesn’t necessarily work for all children. And, of course, as with all things, exceptions aren’t the rule here. 

10 Things Moms Would do Differently

1. No travel ball  – I found it wildly eye-opening that out of 1200+ families, not one agreed it was good for them. I had dozens upon dozens of DMS from moms who regretted the time freedom and money they lost doing it. This was followed by “one sport a season” rules, along with not starting things too young. Plenty of messages saying that we’ve lost the art of playing for fun and gone straight to playing for talent. Once kids were a bit older, many families enjoyed the rule of “one activity per child at a time.” I had one mom message that she and her husband appreciated what travel ball taught them, and she said it was interesting that the parents vs. the players gave this feedback.
2. Prioritize sleep – Responses varied from scheduling decompression time for your teens to not waking them on weekends unless necessary- echoed by “let them sleep in in the summer; their bodies need it; they will not be lazy adults.” It was loud and clear moms agree that teens aren’t sleeping enough duringthe week, and they saw the impacts of it not only on physical health but mental health.
3. Less Perfection, more perseverance– From academics to sports achievements, there was a wave in responses that said they wish they had demanded less perfection. I even called my mom and told her what I was blogging, and I asked her if she could do it over, what would she do? She said she wished she would have worried less about grades. She regrets rewarding report cards versus rewarding hard work- it led to things like allowing studying to come before family dinners. She says she views it through a different lens with grandchildren now. Many moms had a unified voice that perseverance, conflict resolution, and grit can be taught in ways outside of demanding perfection. This was followed by the agreement that they need to work and volunteer more, and seeking perfection in areas has definitely diminished that opportunity. The overwhelming consensus was that the likelihood of your child being outstanding at one thing is slim, and if they are, they will be regardless of many factors. But the opportunity to raise well-rounded good humans is far greater and more beneficial!
4. No sleepovers – This has nuances, such as some families allowing it with one other family or with cousins. In general, many said sleepovers only led to negative and unsafe experiences for their children. I won’t dig too deep here as I know there are many situations where a sleepover is a huge blessing for a child to be around a safe family. But in my work in an anti-trafficking organization, time and time again, you hear people say the first time they were exposed to sin that radically changed and harmed their life… a sleepover.
5. Try homeschooling – The top response surrounding what moms wish they had done vs not done was this! Many said they wish they had at least tried it once. This went hand-in-hand with a lot of responses regarding time freedom with family. I had moms say they homeschooled each of their children for a year, and it was the year they grew the closest.
6. A collective stance on homework – Families desire to take their evening time back. From educators to neurobehavior experts, a strong concern was expressed around homework load and overworking tired minds. My mom was a reading specialist, so it’s been ingrained in me that reading is the number one indicator in early childhood for success. Many educators said they worried the levels of homework diminished children’s desire (and energy) to read for pure enjoyment. I’ve heard many moms at Maxi’s school say their teachers encourage them to write down if the homework is taking longer than “x” amount of time and mark a stopping point. They have the parents make a note and sign it, so that the teacher knows the child needs a bit more help. I love this and am thankful teachers also see the importance in evening rest.
7. Vacations are for family time and not friends – I had never thought about this! I even had college girls message me with sentiments like, “On my senior trip, my parents let me bring a friend. I wish they hadn’t. I don’t talk to that friend anymore, and now I’m in college and miss my siblings. I wish I had spent that time with them.” This was followed by a mom who said she took “July” back for her family. She explained that she allowed friend trips and camps in June, but in July, it was only family time and rest. I loved that idea, which allowed both a blessing for friendship and a boundary for family. This wasn’t just for kids; moms commented on their own social lives! Many said they wish they would have gotten babysitters LESS for things they didn’t want to do and MORE for their marriage. One said, “I wish I would have asked myself is this babysitter coming ADDING to my child’s life? Giving them a more relaxed mom with a happy marriage? Or giving them a more stressed mom with too many commitments?“
8. Allow mental health days – This was another one that I hadn’t considered, as I’m not “there yet.” Maxi has missed school for a special day here and there, but to hear moms say the best thing they did to prepare their children for college was walking side-by-side in the valleys gave me chills. I am going to try and speak to their collective feedback, but essentially they said when your child is going through a tough time in high school, forcing them to “power through” isn’t always the best option. One mom messaged me that she would allow her kids a mental health day or two a school year. These days were filled with prayer, open and honest communication, reading scripture, sleep, and watching movies together. As a believer, I thought that was such a beautiful thing to really live out. Moms echoed that students have so many emotional layers that they have to face now with phones and social media, and we can’t expect them to figure it out perfectly before their brains are fully developed. Jesus consistently withdrew to pray. He dismissed crowds. He established times for rest. Do we do that enough?
9. Screen Boundaries – While I believe most families have boundaries regarding phones and screens and social media, each mom who brought it up said they wished they had been stricter than they were. One mom gave a great suggestion where she said phones were in a basket on Sunday evenings for dinner and game night. She said it was the time of week when her teens talked, laughed, and shared the most. She also said that Mom and Dad did the *same* thing. I loved the living out phone usage by example.
10. Don’t step in for hard teachers, but do help them learn to self-advocate – Each mother had a unified response that this is part of life and excellent preparation for a boss you may not enjoy. Connecting easily with people is not a given in any scenario in life, and it’s a necessary lesson to learn. But they did say if the workload was expected to be completed in an impossible timeline and a child was sick, had a family emergency, or had a funeral, that’s when they helped the child learn to self-advocate. But to that point, many moms said by 4th grade, a child can and should take responsibility for their workload.

I could share story after story- the friend advice alone was worth another blog post! Over and over again, moms repeated, “Listen more than you talk. Drive their friends and listen. Be interested in their interests. Allow them to change their friends. You can still be friends with the moms. Have them volunteer with friends. Make them work. Teach them life isn’t about them. They CAN and should help their younger siblings. Less focus on self, more focus on others. Always be there when they want to talk.” There was also honest encouragement that you CAN do things differently than the norm. But the bottom line in each story, sentiment, and take was that your roots matter most. Seasonal things (your leaves) can be stressful but should never dictate the family. Millennial Moms, let’s look to the moms before us and learn all we can to have strong roots that allow our well-rounded trees to weather any storm.

What stood out to you from these moms?!

xx,

Katey