Yesterday, one of my dearest friends texted me saying, “So how are you really feeling with baby number two coming?“

My goodness, doesn’t it feel good when someone says that! When someone asks you how you are really feeling it’s such a sweet sense of being known. It’s like they know you may say all the wrong things, but they want to be there for you. And I word vomited as best as I could.

Y’all, I feel so ready and so inept all at the same time.

Two years ago, I had a friend host a motherhood bible study at my home. She has raised 4 wonderful kids and she took some time out of her evening to chat with a lot of my friends in the same life stage as me. She chatted about how she prayed for her toddlers, what battles she picked, and just mentored us. I’ll never forget her saying, “One child gave me such a false sense of control. Once I had 3, I finally surrendered that control to the Lord.”

We had just started trying for a second baby around that point, and I couldn’t help but think, “Wait control?! Well, of course, you can have some control! Babies have schedules and you can control your own schedule.” At 36-weeks pregnant, I’ve never related to her statement more.

I wasn’t in control when I got pregnant with this child. I wasn’t in control when I got put on bed rest at 18 weeks. I wasn’t in control when my MFM told me he’d never seen placenta hemorrhages like mine and they were the size of my baby. And I certainly wasn’t in control when COVID-19 came and our lives abruptly changed. And as each day approaches closer to his due date, I am realizing my weaknesses are deeper than I could ever imagine and my need for Jesus is greater than I could ever know.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Looking ahead to the rest of the year, we don’t know a lot of things. Sure, things are really dependent upon where you live. I have readers in counties with minimal to no cases and I have readers in NYC. They’ve all shared different changes in their lives with me, but the overarching theme is we don’t know what the rest of the year looks like. I can’t plan for a maternity leave with work like I could with Maxi, when so many of my work projects have been paused with everything going on. And to be honest, I don’t even really feel well enough to prep for one. I have no clue if Maxi will have preschool in the fall. I don’t have a plan for how I’ll balance work, toddler, newborn life with my husband going back to the office and nothing I was depending on {life being normal} in place.

And then you combine that with your normal second-time mom fears. This time, I don’t necessarily fear the lack of sleep or the fact I am in charge of a human being. But I have many fears in other areas. Do I have the energy for two little humans? {It seems daunting when you still have morning sickness at 36 weeks pregnant.} Will one feel neglected over the other? Everyone says tend to the toddler first, they remember if you don’t acknowledge them while baby cries. But when does that shift? Will he eat well? Sleep well? Will Maxi want nothing to do with me? Will baby brother know how deeply I love and adore him even though I won’t have hours on end to rock him in his rocker ignoring the rest of the world?

Phillippians 4:19

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

And in the midst of my mind spinning out, a quick scroll of social media shows me mothers of 3 and 4 and 5 doing an amazing job, and I point-blank feel ridiculous I’m even worrying. But that’s the thing, each shift in motherhood is valid and scary.

It’s scary because we love our children so deeply, but we are humans, and we will fail them. There will be moments I soothe a crying baby first and Maxi feels neglected. There will be moments he falls and scrapes his knee because I’m trying to chase a little girl on her bike and a baby brother on his scooter all at the same time. And those are SMALL things. The big things come when they get older, and oh boy, will I make mistakes then.

John 15:4-5

Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

But I’m gently reminded that the beauty in motherhood is we get to be the first example of love to our children. As I’ve shared, I’m a Christian, and I believe that we love because he first loved us, and I get to be my children’s first example of Christ’s love. With that honor of being their first example of love, comes the recognition that that love isn’t just from me. I can hardly get my work done with morning sickness while chasing a toddler. I rely on God for strength with one and I know I’ll rely on him even more for strength with two. It’s not about schedules or control or making the perfect decision each time. It’s about the love.

And ultimately, these nerves and fears stem from the fact that I am ridiculously in love with two little humans, one of whom I haven’t yet had the gift of holding. My family is my world, and my greatest wish is for my children to view me as I view my mom. So what are my thoughts on going from 1 to 2 children? I feel lucky. I feel grateful. I feel like it’s more than I deserve. But this time around, I’m reminded that I myself am not everything my children will need. Sure, as a baby, he will just need me physically. But with me relying on Jesus, my family, and my community of incredible women {y’all included!} they’ll get far more.

Isaiah 41:13

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.

So his nursery isn’t finished and the house isn’t perfectly prepared. In fact, it’s such a mess that when I woke up with intense contractions Saturday morning my first thought was, “I can’t give birth today- the house is a disaster!” ha. I have no clue how I’ll balance it all and I fully admire that so many mothers balance far more than I ever will. I don’t even know what this summer will look like given how the world is. But I know that I love these two more than I ever knew my heart had the capacity to love. I know that when I was a little girl and pictured my life, THIS was it, but better than I could have imagined. And I know that in those moments where I feel like I need an extra set of arms to care for my two babes, Jesus is near.

My friends, that is how I’m really feeling. It’s a mixture of uncertainty, weakness, and also strength. And to my sweet children, if this blog even exists when you are old enough to read it, I hope you know that raising you is my greatest calling. And the reason I have these ridiculous fears is because I am not perfect, but you both are absolutely perfect to me.

Luke 2:51

But his mother treasured all these things in her heart